I Miss You So Much
by Lionna Mouri
Summary: Shonen-ai, angst. part one of two. The second part is "Misunderstandings". A set-up for Duo and Heero.... both are songfics to TLC's songs: "I miss you so much" and "dear lie"


Title:   
By: Shinigami Goddess (Lionna)  
E-mail: shinigami_goddess@gundamwing.net or shinigami_goddess@yahoo.com   
Song: I Miss You So Much by TLC  
Started: May 11, 2000  
Finished: May 11, 2000  
Type: angst/ romance/ shonen-ai   
  
I never asked for this feeling  
I never thought I would fall  
  
Duo tapped his fingers lightly against the windowpane, watching the rain fall to hit against the   
un-giving glass. He stared at the reflection of his roommate visible on the water soaked window.   
His smile broke and he sighed inaudibly.   
  
The safe house the Gundam pilots were staying in for the time being was smaller than normal   
and soon they had to pair off in sleeping arrangements. Wufei voiced his opinion to be alone   
while Trowa and Quatre would most definitely not room with anyone other than themselves. Duo   
sighed again, that put him with Heero.   
  
It was so hard to concentrate around the stoic, Japanese pilot the past few days… weeks… okay,   
fine. Months. Duo pouted slightly, hating to admit how deep his feelings were. He'd never   
planned on it… he never thought he'd feel anything in anyway for the other boy. But it seemed   
his heart had different plans.  
  
'Damn thing,' he thought to himself. 'I don't want to fall… I don't want to feel this way again. I   
can't bear for him to go and I know he'll leave. He'll be disgusted, he'll self-destruct… there's   
endless possibilities. Yet….'   
  
He glanced again at his roommate. A smile played on Duo's lips again and his thoughts continued   
on. 'Yet I can't stop now. He's just too much… so gorgeous and somewhere underneath the   
hardness there's a human heart. I've seen it.'  
  
I never knew how I felt  
Till the day you were gone  
I was lost  
  
Wide violet-blue eyes took in every detail of the room. Gone… Heero was gone without a trace   
and without a word.   
  
'Damn the missions!' Duo's mind screamed. Tears were threatening and he had to close his heart   
off of the pain and sorrow to stop the salty droplets. 'I knew it… I knew it… I couldn't… not   
again. I can't love… no…'  
  
~~~~~  
  
Heero ran his fingers through his hair, an unusual show of nervousness not typical of him. His   
eyes barely could depict the writings on the laptop screen. Who could he kid? He couldn't think at   
all. Images of a certain braided-baka were on his mind and he couldn't run away from them.   
  
"Damnit, Duo. What is this?"  
  
A fist slammed hard on the desk provided with the dorm room. He was never going to be able to   
accomplish his mission at this rate. 'Calm down Yuy,' he told himself. 'Finish the mission and then   
return to D- the others…'  
  
Right. That simple. Ninmu ryoukai.   
  
I never asked for red roses  
I wasn't looking for love  
  
Heero's eyes snapped open and he stared up at the ceiling as he replayed his dream.  
  
It was more of a memory, actually, just altered in some ways. During one of the 'hang-low' times   
between missions, Duo dragged Heero shopping and they bought the supplies they needed. On   
the way back, however, Duo suddenly pulled into a floral shop and hopped around to look at   
everything. Heero snorted with impatience, purposely not looking at the American. Suddenly Duo   
popped up with a red rose in hand, grinning. "Here ya go, Heero my man!" He stifled a bit of   
laughter. Heero carefully took the rose and looked at it. Duo's face suddenly softened and he   
murmured, "Do you know what it symbolizes?" Heero glanced sidelong at Duo and shook his   
head. The American was bubbling quickly again and said, "Oh that's okay… nothing important   
really…"  
  
Cobalt blue eyes pierced through the darkness to look at the laptop shut down for the time   
being. There was something about the rose… something it meant… perhaps he should find out-  
  
'What am I hoping for? I don't need him. I'm forever the way I am. That's what I want and that's   
the way it is.'  
  
Somehow I let my emotions take hold  
And guess what all at once  
I'm in love  
  
Quatre had long given up trying to calm Duo down. Ever since Heero's leave the month before,   
the American pilot had been bursting with loads of energy and was doing everything and   
anything he could do. It almost seemed he was trying to wear himself out. In fact, one night   
Quatre found Duo had collapsed on the couch and had fallen asleep soundly but with a   
distressed look on his face.  
  
Presently the longhaired boy was hurrying to finish breakfast. Wufei glared at him but behind the   
hard eyes were other feelings he wished not to reveal. Trowa simply ignored the boy devouring   
more than his share of food and kept his eyes on the printouts of information they had recently   
received.   
  
With breakfast over Duo charge out the door to spend the day exploring the outside once again.   
The sun beating down warmed him on the outside but deep down his heart was still frozen over   
to block the emotions. 'I'm so weak… I couldn't block my heart early enough. Oh Heero, you   
damn baka, how can you do this to me? Why did I ever fall in love with a rock like you?'  
  
Oh I miss you so much  
I long for your love  
It's scares me  
  
"… And so the battle was started because…" The voice droned on and Heero ignored it. He just   
wanted out of this school co badly. It was… getting lonely. Frankly, it was being to scare him. But   
not only that was frightening. It was scaring him to think about needing to go back to someone.   
He knew who he was missing, he knew what he needed. Yet…  
  
'I can't give in to this. I won't allow it to! Why do I miss him? Why? What is this feeling?! How   
can this scare me so? I… need you… I want you next to me again… I want you to keep babbling   
about nonsense so finally I have to close a hand over your lips to keep you silent. But why do I   
want this? How could I want anything… or anyone…?'  
  
Cuz my heart gets so weak  
That I can't even breathe  
  
Duo lay on his back with the grass tickling his arms. He stared up into the bright sky until his   
eyes began to water… until he had an excuse to cry and let tears fall… 'No. Not tears. They're   
just watering… it's too bright… that's right….'  
  
His hands were trembling and he ached inside and out. Nothing was helping him out anymore.   
His interest was dimming and… damnit! There just wasn't any Heero around to tell him 'Omae o   
korosu'!  
  
The tears were choking now, making his lungs burn as he gasped to breath. "I'm not weak! NO!   
I refuse… I … don't… care for him… and I'd never love him… never…" The words were dying on   
his lips - not in any way true.   
  
How can you take things so easily?  
Baby why aren't you missing me?  
  
He could just imagine Heero glaring at him with that gun of his out and pointed at his aching   
heart. Duo laughed bitterly at the scene he came up with. Heero wouldn't give a damn when – if   
– he returned and then saw Duo run up to him. The Japanese pilot wouldn't care… it wouldn't be   
some movie scene where he'd announce his love and how much he missed Duo. No… not even in   
Duo's dreams did that happen.   
  
Why did I act like you mattered?  
It was silly of me to believe  
That if I just opened my heart  
Things would come naturally  
Jokes on me (yeah)  
  
Heero returned in another three weeks, his missions complete for a while. Duo immediately   
became happy once again and a little less hyperactive. The other three pilots noticed this but bit   
their tongues on the subject.   
  
"Oi! Heero! About time – were you ever gonna be coming back?" Duo cried as he ran up to meet   
the Wing pilot as he dropped from the hatch. The braid was whirling out behind Duo as he ran   
and when he came to a stop the long, plaited hair hit him hard in the back.   
  
Heero grunted in response.  
  
Duo wrinkled his nose, exclaiming, "Yeesh… what a nice vocabulary you acquired, always   
expanding I see…" His eyes sparkled with the familiar joking manner.   
  
There was no sign that Heero even noticed him that time for the Japanese pilot brushed past   
Duo and headed to unpack. He never looked back to see the bared heart that was cracking into   
tiny shards behind him.   
  
'I'm a fool. Such a fool… he'll never…' Duo clenched his fists and ran past his friends as he went   
to lock himself in his room. 'What's the matter with me? Baka! Baka, baka, baka, baka, baka,   
BAKA!' His mind was screaming with confusion and pain.   
  
"Such an idiot, that's what I am… I don't know anything and don't know when to get away from   
this stupid pain… why do I let him? Why open my heart? Heero…" He buried his head in the   
pillow, hiding the suppositious wet droplets falling down his cheekbones.   
  
~~~~~  
  
"Duo!" Quatre knocked on the closed wooden door, calling his friend's name. "Come on, it's time   
for dinner."  
  
"No thanks, man. I'm not hungry," was the muffled reply.  
  
Frowning, Quatre pushed the door open a little and peered his head in. Duo was curled up on the   
bed, hugging the pillow to him and facing a wall. "Daijoubu desu ka?"   
  
Duo's head whirled around in surprise and the blonde didn't miss the red-rimmed eyes and wet   
eyelashes. "Oh… sure… hai… daijoubu…." He trailed off when Quatre pushed the door open   
farther and walked to sit beside him on the bed. "Quatre…" he started, barely noting that the   
door was open.  
  
"Nanda? Why did you cry? I'm your friend… please tell me."  
  
The American turned away, clutching the cross about his neck. "I'm not sure I can, Quatre. I   
don't know if I want to." A warm hand rested on his shoulder and Duo felt Quatre leaning over   
him a little.   
  
I did not ask for love letters  
So why did you give them to me?  
How could I let your intentions  
Get hold over me  
  
Heero was silent throughout dinner. So were the other two present. Quatre and Duo never   
appeared for the evening meal and left two chairs sadly empty. Trowa and Wufei were as much   
of conversationalists as Heero was so the meal was rather… quiet. And very tense. None of them   
could place a finger on it but there was definitely something building up and it was slightly   
disturbing.   
  
During the period of silence, Heero let his mind wander back to why his feelings for Duo were so   
deep. Surly Duo only joked around and bugged him to try and get him to loosen up – it's what he   
did with everyone. There wasn't anything special there. There wasn't any extra attention… right?   
Heero couldn't be one hundred percent sure, actually so his questions were left unanswered.  
  
Finally he headed back to his room. As he passed down the corridor he realized that Duo's door   
was open slightly. A feeling of foreboding entered him as he crept silently to peer in.  
  
So in love  
So naive (oh baby)  
  
Heero froze.  
  
There, on the bed, Quatre was hugging Duo tightly and murmuring soft words. Duo was clinging   
to the blonde boy like a lifeline.  
  
Oh I miss you so much  
I long for your love  
It's scares me  
  
In that moment Heero Yuy realized for sure that he truly had a heart and that he had fully fallen   
for Duo; for at that point his delicate heart that had been locked for years, broke.   
  
'You never did. What a fool. And I called you baka… ha…'  
  
Cuz my heart gets so weak  
That I can't even breathe  
  
It was painful to breathe now and Heero slipped away into his own room to think. He stepped to   
the window and stared out at the darkening sky, blind to nature's beauty.   
  
His knees were so shaky, as were his hands. 'Baka… baka…'   
  
How can you take things so easily?  
Baby why aren't you missing me?  
  
Perhaps he had been wishing that Duo had missed him. No – he had wished and hoped and   
prayed that Duo would run up to him and hug him and… but that didn't happen. It wasn't going   
to either. Not when he was in the other room and held tightly in Quatre's arms. 'You're so…'   
Heero couldn't finish the cruel sentence, knowing Duo didn't deserve it and that he was just too   
angry.   
  
And oh how I hate what you have done  
Made me fall so deep in love  
Got no cure  
You're the only one I want  
That I love oh baby  
  
"…Sometimes I think I hate him for it… sometimes… and…" Duo was choking through his   
problems. Somewhere along the way he had ended up in Quatre's warm embrace and welcomed   
it gratefully. He wasn't Heero, but it was a friend's comforting touch. "I don't know… I tried to   
block it… but I can't. I love him too much… ha! I love him, I said it… but not to him… not to   
him…" Tears were coming down his cheeks again and he buried his head against Quatre's   
shoulder.  
  
"Shh… Duo…" The blonde ran his fingers along Duo's braid, trying to comfort his friend. He knew   
some of the distress he was going through – he had gone through much of the same thing with   
Trowa… except not in such intensity. "It'll be okay… you just need to talk to him and you'll see   
how things will work out."  
  
"Demo… he… wants nothing with me. He doesn't…" Duo trailed off and shook his head.  
  
"You need to tell him," Quatre insisted softly.  
  
"Nani?! Quatre!" A startled – and very close to hurt – Trowa stood just inside the room. His green   
eyes were suddenly very expressive as he stared at the two boys on the bed. "W-"  
  
Quatre shook his head to cut Trowa off, "It's okay, Trowa… Duo has a lot on his mind and I   
offered to listen. There's a lot of stress involved and he just needed a good cry and a shoulder to   
lean on. Ne, Duo?" The blonde looked down at the American who was quickly pulling away and   
wiping at his eyes.  
  
"Whatever," he muttered. "Gomen nasai, Trowa… I know you and he… and…"  
  
Trowa stopped him with a kind look. "No, daijoubu, Duo. I understand. I'm… a little over   
protective." The usually stoic pilot cast a loving gaze towards Quatre and sat down beside his   
lover to hold him close.  
  
Violet-blue eyes gazed momentarily at the entwined hands before turning away.   
  
Oh I miss you so much  
I long for your love  
It's scares me  
  
"You will be okay?" Quatre checked as he stood up with Trowa. Duo nodded briefly. "Okay then…   
if you need anything, please let me know."  
  
"Just knock before you come into the room," Trowa commented. Quatre flushed lightly and   
poked Trowa in the ribs.  
  
Duo gave a slight grin; it was such an odd site to see Trowa so open and happy. What a change   
Quatre made to him. "Alright. Now get going… don't bother with me, I'll be fine. I'm always fine!"  
  
The couple smiled softly at their friend and fellow pilot before leaving and closing the door   
behind them. Duo fell back onto the bed and stared at some unknown point on the ceiling. 'Can't   
we have a chance? Trowa and Quatre… they're so good together… so happy… loving… can't   
we… try for that? Would you ever want that, Heero? Or am I dreaming again?'   
  
Cuz my heart gets so weak  
That I can't even breathe  
How can you take things so easily?  
Baby why aren't you missing me?  
  
The tears had long been shed and Duo could do nothing but feel his aching heart beat slowly and   
painfully against his ribcage. 'You never missed me, did you? Did you…?' When he'd ran up to   
Heero at first, he thought he'd seen a brief glimmer of joy in those cold eyes. But by the time he   
was up close all that hope was gone. The only word spoken to him: Hn. Oh whoopee.   
  
Duo rolled onto his stomach and let his breathing come slowly, dulling the pain slightly. 'Why   
couldn't you miss me in the littlest way? Couldn't you at least care enough to show you cared   
something for me? Even if it's just friendship? Any type of love… onegai… Heero, onegai.'   
  
Baby why aren't you missing me?  
Baby why aren't you missing me?  
  
Heero gritted his teeth and threw the pillow across the room to land with an angry thud against   
the wall. 'Damnit… and I thought that maybe you were caring, but a fool I am. What a fool   
indeed… couldn't see that you never would consider loving me. Duo you idiot, why did you play   
with me heart?'  
  
It was past midnight, he had heard the chimes of some grandfather clock go off a while back.   
Sighing for what seemed the millionth time, Heero levered himself onto his elbows and glared at   
the door. It was taunting him, begging him to go out and go into Duo's room… find him in   
someone's arms other than his own.   
  
He lay back down.  
  
Ten minutes later found the Japanese pilot slipping through the shadows and into Duo's silent,   
dark room. Even curiosity doesn't escape the Perfect Soldier. There was only one form in the   
room and that was Duo's. The boy was curled up tightly with a pillow hugged between his arms.   
His face seemed distressed and torn… and shiny…  
  
Looking closer, Heero realized with a start that the shine was coming from drying tears. Duo had   
been crying. It was a complete surprise and he wondered why he would have been crying. He   
was about to move forward when his heart hardened suddenly. No, he couldn't stay… he didn't   
want to stay. Right?  
  
Heero sighed, it was pointless arguing with himself in someone else's room. But before he left he   
had to do one thing… just one thing… his feet stepped across the floor without a sound and he   
was soon leaning over the sleeping boy. Hesitantly he bent down and let his lips kiss away the   
tears not yet dry. Duo's scent filled his senses and for a moment Heero believed that there was   
some sort of response. However when he pulled away and looked down at Duo there were no   
unusual movements or symptoms other than the normal deep breathing of sleep.   
  
'That's all. I won't give in again.' Heero turned away with determination and slipped out of the   
room, closing as best he could the walls around his heart.   
  
~~~~~  
  
Once the door shut, Duo practically jumped to a sitting position. His eyes were wide with surprise   
still and he lay a hand on his cheeks. His eyes threatened to water again, but this time not fully   
from sadness. "Maybe… maybe there's a chance, Heero? Just possibly?" He looked at the door   
where the gorgeous Japanese pilot had disappeared.   
  
"I love you. And who knows…  
  
Perhaps you feel the same."  
  
1  
  
1  
  



End file.
